Vampire Butt Slayin'
by mystic-unicorn-eugene
Summary: All of the 'vampires' are killed by Sam and Dean with the assistance of Stella Swan (not Bella)?
1. Garlic Baby

In the gloomy town of Forks lived a young woman. Stella So-fabulous Swan. Her parents were divorced, and at the moment she was living with her father. No ones gives a shit about her mother, so whatever. Her fathers name was Charlie, and he was the town sherif.

Stella likes to spend her spare time speeding around Forks in Charlie's patrol car with the siren on. Sometimes her blood pressure gets surprisingly high in this situation, and she feels like she's in Grand Theft Auto. Luckily Charlie never leaves his pistol in the glove box, or she was sure she would have shot someone.

Stella also enjoys baking ultramodern cakes in Charlie's narrow kitchen. In fact, that was exactly what Stella was doing on the day her life would become beautifully surreal.

She was baking an onion, and garlic cake. She uses garlic in all her cakes, owing to the fact that she fucking despises vampires and they don't deserve to eat her fabulous cakes. She had just poured the raw batter into the cake tin, and as she bent down to slide it into the hot oven there was someone behind her. Stella knew this because she could feel their face pressed onto her bottom.

She was so shocked that in one swift movement she was able to fart in the person's face, and press against the oven before another second had passed. "Holy cheese sticks!" Stella shrieked as her bottom came in contact with the boiling surface. The person she had just intoxicated was Billy, Jacob Black's father. He wore a gold sequence suit that sparkled brighter than a vampire in the sun, glasses as dark as the night itself, and his favorite old leather cowboy hat. His wheelchair had flashing lights attached to the wheels; now that was overdoing it.

The fart didn't seem to have an effect on him. You couldn't really tell regardless, from how tinted his Chanel sunnies were. "Billy, what the shit do you want?" Stella fumed, her eyes turning the deepest red of hell. Billy was quick to answer. "Marry my son Jacob. He is a lone wolf. Please, or I will send bad people after you."

"For fucks sake, Billy! Stop begging me to marry Jacob. This is the third time this week," Stella paused for effect. "and I thought I had a restraining order against you!".

"Does it look like I give a fuck? Call the cops; and I kill all of your cats." Billy spat, he clenched his teeth so Stella could see his pearly whites. Billy's diamond tooth reflected against the sunlight, almost blinding Stella. "Shut your mouth! Shut your mouth!" She begged, falling to the ground hissing covering her eyes with her hands.

Stella couldn't believe she gave into the diamond tooth, and the consequence of her weakness is a date with Jacob Black. Now she had to give up her Friday night for the sake of her cats lives.


	2. Date Night

Stella and Jacob were seated at a table in the corner of the restaurant. Considering Jacob offered to pay for everything Stella requested they go to the most expensive place in Forks: Shimmy Baby. Stella had never been to Shimmy Baby before, but from what she had heard; they have a games room. Jacob had picked her up at six in his helicopter, and who the shit owns a helicopter apart from the president? Stella requested they go skydiving, but Jacob objected that it would be bad for his unsteady heart condition.

There was an eternal silence between Stella and Jacob at Shimmy Baby. Stella was scanning through the menu, and she couldn't understand anything. The only thing that sounded edible was the moose burger with a special shrimp sauce. Jacob had already been through four glasses of mineral water, and was beginning to make his way through the bread basket. Son of a bitch. Stella winced as she watched Jacob devour the whole basket within seconds. Stella was becoming restless. The only place she wanted to be was the Shimmy Baby games room. "I'm going to use the ladies room, can you please order me the moose burger." Jacob grunted in reply as he poured himself his fifth glass of mineral water. As Stella weaved her way past tables of rich pansies she checked to see if Jacob was paying any attention to her movement. Negative, he was occupied with the pattern on the table cloth. It was now or never for Stella. She made a brisk turn away from the toilets, and in the direction of the Shimmy Baby games room.

She stood in the door of the games room, it was like she was standing at the gateway to heaven. The beams of light from the television screens surrounded Stella, and made her feel like a goddess. A tear of happiness fell from her left eyeball. The eagle has landed.


	3. Sexy Men

Stella had to bribe a third grader to play Grand Theft Auto, and he had left a gritty gel to simmer all over the analog sticks. That butt-rash even left Stella driving a tractor on a highway dressed in her underwear. It just wasn't her night.

She swung her model-worthy legs over the bench and headed out of the games room. Stella had concluded that it would be better getting her hands caressed by special shrimp sauce and burger grease, than the butt-jelly she had come across in the games room.

As she graciously strut past the tables of desperate couples two men entered Shimmy Baby who took Stella's immediate attention. They both wore cheap suits with a tie, and charcoal black shoes that shined like the constant sparkle in Stella's eyes. The shorter man had a rosy pink tie, and his knees were bent at an odd angle that made Stella feel uncomfortably aroused. His hair was short and somewhat neat with a hint of badass.

The man accompanying him was quite the opposite having an extra thirty-centimeters in height, long flowing hair that was parted at the center, and firm pecs that were tight against his shirt. His tie was cornflower blue with mustard yellow stripes. They seated themselves at the bar as Stella hastily returned to her table. Her moose burger had arrived; the only downside being that Jacob had licked the shrimp sauce from her burger.

Stella vigorously worked away at the burger. Every few minutes she would peer over at the bar, and Jacob would make another attempt at conversing with Stella. After she had devoured the moose burger completely, with no traces of it left on the plate, she had decided it was time for a blood martini.


End file.
